


Fifty Shades of Zeta Reticulan

by Khafushun



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Abuse of Khuzdul, Accidental Voyeurism, Aliens, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Probe Jokes, Crack, Facials, FiKi Week, FiKi Week Day 5: Alternate Universe, Implied Sexual Content (for now), M/M, Oral Sex, Sibling Incest, Some Plot, Space Pirates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-09
Updated: 2015-08-05
Packaged: 2018-04-03 15:45:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4106311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khafushun/pseuds/Khafushun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili always figured he was pretty average - perhaps a bit shorter and hairier than most, but still <em>average</em>. Human, at the very least. But when a gorgeous alien from Planet Erebor arrives on his doorstep, explaining that Kili is not only an alien himself but an alien PRINCE, well, Kili is more than a little surprised.</p><p>And dismayed.</p><p>Because that gorgeous blond space alien on his doorstep? He's apparently Kili's brother.</p><p>It's a good thing Kili isn't going to let a minor detail like THAT get in the way of true love!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It had been an ordinary enough evening at first, Kili supposed. But the flying saucer had changed his evaluation of that fairly quickly.

Of course, Kili had not immediately realized the Earth was under an alien invasion. After all, he couldn't see the spacecraft from his bedroom window, nor could he hear its faint _whirring_ over the noise of his headphones. But he _was_ aware of one thing: the saucer's blinding lights, which flooded his room with an impossible brightness. Kili jumped, and nearly knocked his computer over in his surprise.

_They've caught me!_ was his first, frantic thought. _The cops have finally caught me!_ Regret gripped him, and he looked mournfully at his movie download, still at only 46%. He would never know, now, if Ana and Christian ever found true love.

But the lights faded almost immediately, and Kili held his breath, waiting. No static-y voice shouted out, “We have you surrounded, Kilian!” or “Come out with your hands up!”

Instead, there was a knock at the door.

Kili stopped his download with a muffled curse. Of all the movies he had illegally downloaded over the years, this was not the one he wanted to go down for, but he supposed he hardly had any say in the matter. He stood, faced the door, and straightened his shirt with exaggerated purpose. Bilbo Baggins had raised no coward, and Kili was going to face this like a man.

On the other side of the door was the strangest police officer Kili had ever seen – and also the hottest, but that was somewhat beside the point, really. The first thing Kili noticed was the man's diminutive height – shorter than Kili himself, in fact (and that was saying something). And that's when Kili started to realize this _couldn't_ be a police officer, because what kind of cop wore braids in their hair (or their _mustache?),_ and that furred coat didn't look much like a standard uniform, either.

“Fíli, at your service,” his visitor greeted.

“Are you here to arrest me?” Kili's idiot mouth asked.

“No,” Fíli said with a wry smile, “but I _am_ an alien from outer space, and I'm here to abduct you.”

Kili blinked, and stared at his visitor for a long moment. “Do you mean to do experiments on me?”

“None at all.”

“Are you sure you don't want to probe me?” he asked breathlessly. “I promise I don't mind.”

Fíli frowned. “I'm not sure that would be appropriate,” he said (with a hint of regret, if Kili wasn't mistaken). “Forgive me if my introduction was insufficient: I am Fíli, Prince of the Planet Erebor, and that makes me your older brother.”

That... that was less than ideal. But not, to Kili's mind, a deal-breaker.

The strangely dressed man coughed awkwardly. “Can I come in?” he asked. “I think this might be a discussion best had inside.”

Kili stepped aside at once, and gave his visitor a careful look as the shorter man sauntered past him. His older brother, was he? They were of a similar height, yes, but Kili couldn't otherwise see a resemblance. Or perhaps he just didn't want to; Kili's libido had been practically nonexistent up until that very moment, but it seemed Fíli's arrival had brought along with it Kili's sexual awakening. He adjusted himself (discretely, he hoped) and went to join Fíli on the oversized plaid couch that Bilbo kept in the main room.

“I thought you'd be happier to see me,” the blond space alien said quietly.

Kili grabbed a throw pillow and placed it on his lap. “Oh, I'm _very_ happy to see you, make no mistake...”

“But you don't recognize my name.”

Kili began to sweat. This felt like a test. “I can promise I won't forget it?”

“And Erebor?” his visitor asked with furrowed brows. “Do you remember that, at least?”

“Ah, no. Never heard of it, actually.”

Fíli sighed. “Well, I suppose this explains your complete and utter failure to enslave this planet's population and claim their resources as our own, then.”

“I suppose so,” Kili agreed sadly. Then he thought about what he had just heard. “Wait, what?”

“Kidding,” Fíli said in a sing-song-y voice, but his expression soon hardened into something more serious. “I know you were very young when we sent you to this planet, but do you really remember nothing of your mission? Or the family who sent you here?” The alien trailed off, suddenly sounding unsure. “I thought you'd be expecting me.”

Kili laughed. “Expecting you?”

“Well,” Fíli said slowly, “it's your 40th birthday, and in our culture--”

“Whoa, hold up,” Kili said with another incredulous laugh. “Now I know you've got the wrong house. It's not my birthday, and I'm _definitely_ not 40.” Kili shuddered slightly; he was still coming to terms with being in his early 30s, and now a complete stranger was suggesting he was older than he already was? Kili gripped the pillow on his lap a little tighter. “Do I even look like I'm 40 to you?”

The blond alien frowned deeply. “Kili, of course you're 40, I turn 45 this year and I was almost five when you were born--”

“Liar!” Kili roared. “You can't be 45, you don't look a day over 20, and... wait, how d'you know my name?”

Fíli rolled his eyes. “Because I'm your _brother.”_

“But you can't be! I... I refuse...!”

Fíli exhaled loudly. “Look,” he muttered, “clearly something has gone wrong. I don't have time to explain it, but all of the necessary information about our family and culture should have been stored in your space pod--”

“Space pod,” Kili repeated dully.

Fíli pinched the bridge of his nose between his forefinger and his thumb. “Who's in charge here?” he asked sharply. “I think I need to speak with them.”

“Um,” Kili mumbled intelligently. “Bilbo, I guess? Only, he's out on a date right now, so I've got the house to myself...” He scooted closer to where Fíli sat. “So, y'know, it's just you and me right now. Alone.”

Kili watched as Fíli's tongue darted out to lick his lips. “And when will Bilbo return?”

A wide smile stretched out across Kili's face. “Oh, I think he'll probably be gone _allllll_ night, if you catch my drift.”

“What you're suggesting...” Fíli cut himself off and shook his head. “It's a _really_ bad idea.”

“No, it's not.” Kili threw the pillow off his lap and raised his chin.

“We're brothers--”

“We're _not.”_ Kili felt light-headed – had, in fact, ever since he had answered the door – but he knew he had to say the right thing now if he wanted this to work out. And he _really_ wanted this. “None of this makes sense. The only thing I've got going for me is a _name,_ but I'm the wrong age, I don't know any of the stuff you think I should know--”

“You could have amnesia--”

“I don't! I've lived on this planet my _entire_ life and I remember the whole thing.” Privately, Kili supposed that secretly being an alien from outer space would definitely explain the more difficult aspects of his upbringing, but he didn't want to think about that now. “You're at the wrong house,” he said again, “but that doesn't mean you weren't meant to come here.”

“If you're not my brother...” Fíli said slowly, then stood up abruptly to leave. “I'm sorry, but I really can't stay.”

Kili stretched himself out on the couch in what he hoped was an appealing way, though he wasn't quite sure if it was possible to make coffee-stained sweatpants sexy. “Don't go,” he whispered. “I promise I can make this worth your while...”

Fíli visibly swallowed, and his cheeks were flushed. It seemed he had no problem with the coffee stains. “I need to find my brother.”

“Oh?” That was a positive sign, and Kili could feel his smile deepen. “Then that must mean you don't think I'm him anymore.”

The blond stared at him, unblinking. “No, I don't.”

Kili stood up as well, leaned in. “So I guess that means it wouldn't be completely inappropriate if I made out with you now.”

Fíli crashed their lips together as his answer. “Absolutely not,” he gasped against Kili's mouth. “You're right, you're _completely_ right, and they won't miss me for one night. I can find my brother tomorrow.”

There would be no need, of course, because Prince Fíli was, in fact, in exactly the right place, and Kilian Baggins was, in fact, the right person. And though they weren't doing exactly the right thing at that particular moment, they could always chalk it up later as getting “reacquainted.”

It was still dark, and Bilbo was still gone, when Fíli finally gathered his belongings and made to leave. “I'll be back,” Fíli whispered, about to sneak out of Kili's window as if they were teenagers and not fully grown adults. “I promise I will. Happy birthday.”

“It's not my birthday,” Kili whispered.

“Oh,” said Fíli. “Oh, that's right.”

“When will I see you again?”

“Soon,” Fíli promised, and leaned forward to give Kili one last kiss. “Just as soon as I find him.” And with that, the tiny space alien from Erebor leapt from the window into a neighboring tree. It was only then that Kili saw the flying saucer and realized, all at once, that he had not just given his virginity to a complete lunatic.

Needless to say, it was rather a long time before Fíli ever returned, considering that the brother in question no longer needed to be found. In fact, it would be more accurate to say he never returned at all.

Instead, it was Dís who next came knocking on Kili's door, grumbling under her breath, “Never send a man of Durin's line to do a woman's job! _Idiots,_ the lot of them – including my own son!”

But that's a story best told another time.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili indulges in a bit of self-adulation, has a conversation with his overactive inner voice, and then gets into a whole lot of trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit light on crack, I'm so sorry! m(_ _)m
> 
> Also, a big thank you to anathema-cat for talking about sci fi stuff with me! It really helped me with this chapter :)

It had been the greatest hand job of all time.

Not that Fíli had much to compare it to, of course – just the ones he'd given himself, really – but that was beside the point. Kilian Baggins had the most talented hands in the galaxy, and Fíli was in love.

 _Way to go, us!_ his inner voice cheered.

“Thank you,” Fíli murmured humbly, and reached around to pat himself on the back. Someone had touched his penis, and it was quite possibly his proudest achievement. He would have to ask his mother to make the confetti cupcakes again, because now, more than ever, he _deserved_ them.

With thoughts of Kili still at the forefront of his mind, Fíli absentmindedly flipped a switch on his flying saucer. He was due to meet Dori and the crew at a remote outpost – and he was running late. And while Dori was generally friendly enough, Fíli knew all too well that he did _not_ want to make the fussy Dwarf angry.

It was never a good idea to make a space pirate angry.

“Well, Fíli, what should we do?” Fíli asked himself. “Even with warp drive, there's no way this craft is going to make it on time. Unless...” He allowed his voice to trail off, but his suggestion was clear.

 _No, Fíli!_ his inner-voice gasped. _You promised we'd never use the_ mekhêm-khulthâ _ever again!_

“Relax, nothing bad happened the last time--”

_But those gates are unstable!_

Fíli sighed; it was true, the _mekhêm-khulthâ_ were not what they used to be. They had once been the very pride of the Khuzdul Empire: portals that could transport a weary traveler to distant worlds and star systems in mere _seconds._ The Dwarves had grown rich from the proceeds, and so had their reputations. Life had been good on Erebor for a long, long time.

And then the lizard-men attacked, and the Dwarves who had managed to escape with their lives had lost their home.

Now, the _mekhêm-khulthâ_ were not to be trusted. The gates had fallen into disrepair, and in the long years of exile, the Dwarves had lost the means to fix them. What had once been the pinnacle of intergalactic travel was now spoken of only in hushed whispers and warnings: if one entered the _mekhêm-khulthâ_ , there was no telling just _where_ they would end up.

“But when was the last time anyone _actually_ went missing?” Fíli asked himself. “And besides, Uncle Frerin uses the gates all the time!”

_I rather think Uncle Frerin has a death wish._

“He does not!” Fíli protested. “He just likes to have a good time, which is more than I could say for any of the _rest_ of our relations.”

 _Well,_ Inner Fíli began with a slight chortle, _I think we can agree that our brother, at least, is generally up for a good time._

Fíli frowned, and looked up from where he had been plotting the course to the nearest space gate. “That was rude, and I will not have you speak of Kili like that.” He paused. “I thought we also agreed that he wasn't really our brother.”

_Deny it all you like, but it's not going to change the truth._

Fíli stared out the window for a long moment, then exhaled loudly. “Sometimes I wish you weren't my only friend,” he hissed, and bent over the control panel again, feeling guiltier than he had in a long while.

 

* * *

 

The journey through a _mekhem-khulthâ_ was always slightly underwhelming, Fíli thought, considering that it only took the blink of an eye, and then – _poof!_ – you were through.

“And you were so concerned,” he muttered to himself, nodding his head over to the intergalactic road sign straight ahead. “We're exactly where we're meant to be, and I've just saved ourselves hours of travel.”

 _Way to go, us,_ his inner voice cheered, but it lacked some of its previous enthusiasm.

Fíli gave himself a pat on the shoulder in what he assumed would be a comforting gesture (after all, the voice in his head _was_ his own). “You'll perk up again once we meet up with Nori and the rest,” he said knowingly, and reached down to set the course for the Azsâlul Outpost.

It didn't take him long to realize something was wrong, however.

Fíli squinted as he tried to see out of the saucer's front window. “You'd think Dori could have warned us how shitty visibility is out here,” he griped, and narrowed his eyes as if it would help him see through the space dust clouding his view. “Better hope we don't run into any oncoming traffic...”

_I find it unlikely that we would encounter many other vessels all the way out here._

Fíli sighed. “Always have to be the voice of reason, don't you.”

_What's that over there?_

Fíli squinted again. Through the cloudy orange haze, he could just make out another road marker. “That's impossible,” he gasped as soon as the writing became clear. “How are we further away from the outpost than when we started?”

As if in answer, the flying saucer's emergency alarm chose that moment to go off. It was the only warning Fíli had before the craft came to an abrupt stop, and for once Fíli was glad he was wearing his safety restraints. He had a feeling the sudden change in velocity would have left him a painful smear against the saucer's window otherwise – and as it was, his insides felt uncomfortably scrambled.

It looked like he was being detained – but by which empire, he could not guess. There weren't many races capable of stopping a Khuzdul vessel mid-course, though, which certainly narrowed the possibilities...

Fíli leaned back and waited for the inevitable transmission, and he was not left waiting long. A large hologram materialized before him, and Fíli could only groan at what he saw.

“This is a transmission of the Silvan Kingdom,” an attractive red-haired creature intoned. “This craft has illegally entered the Silvan Interplanetary Zone, in violation of the Imladris Agreement of TA 2850. In accordance with Protocol 994, this craft is now being detained. Do not resist. Resistance will be met with force. A representative of the Silvan Kingdom will arrive to apprehend you shortly. Please wait calmly. Thank you.” And with that, the hologram blinked out.

Fíli stared at the space where the hologram had appeared for several moments as he tried to process what he had just heard. The Silvan Kingdom? That should have been _light-years_ away from Dori's outpost... But in the end, it didn't really matter. He was here, and it was the absolute worst place he could have stumbled upon.

Well, maybe the second-worst. At least it wasn't Erebor – and he could take some comfort in the fact that the Silvans _probably_ wouldn't try to eat him.

No, he would just never be able to leave.

Fíli had little choice but to watch as a dark, spindly spacecraft approached through the dust cloud, its appendages limply trailing behind it like the legs of a wet spider. Fíli couldn't stop a slight shudder from coursing through him; he had seen plenty of spaceships over the course of his life, but never one so sinister.

 _We are so screwed!_ Inner Fíli moaned.

“We certainly appear to be,” Fíli admitted. Then he smiled. “Oh, getting out of this mess is going to be awfully interesting.”

 _Interesting?_ came Inner Fíli's hysteric response. _Interesting?! What part of 'No one has ever escaped from the Silvan Kingdom' do you not understand?_

“We've never been in a mess that we couldn't get out of before,” Fíli pointed out, “and I don't mean for this to be the first.” He slammed his fist against his armrest. “I made Kili a promise!”

Fíli looked out the window and watched as one of the Silvan craft's long appendages reached out toward his immobilized saucer. “That's right,” he hissed, looking directly at the incoming space vessel, “do your worst. But mark my words! I _will_ touch Kili's penis again – and he'll touch mine too! And maybe next time,” he shouted, “I'll even actually probe him!”

Fíli threw his head back, and his defiant laughter echoed.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there you have it for the second chapter!
> 
> Just in case there's any confusion, Fili does _not_ have a split personality, and he's not hearing voices in his head either. In continuing this story, I feel like I need to examine some of the consequences of splitting Fili and Kili up at an early age, and the result on Fili's end was that he had an incredibly lonely upbringing. So, you can think of "Inner Fili" as being kind of like an imaginary friend that has been around for way too long, I guess. He's 100% aware that he's talking to himself. Anyway, I hope it was clear, but PLEASE let me know if you were confused about any of that, and I can try to make adjustments :)
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I attempted some Khuzdul in this chapter:
> 
> mekhêm-khulthâ: a word I made up from "gates" and "celestial." It's like a wormhole, I guess.  
> khuzdul: Dwarvish, e.g., Dwarvish language, Dwarvish Empire, etc.  
> azsâlul: lonely
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading, and as always, you can find me on tumblr [here](http://khafushun.tumblr.com/) :D


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kili is finally abducted by an alien!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a bit late! I really meant to have this posted last week, but then real life got in the way :/
> 
> Afraid it's another plotty chapter - this time from Bilbo's perspective! And for the record, Bilbo is _human_ in this story, which means he's actually one of the tallest characters for once :D

Kili was smiling, and that made Bilbo very nervous.

It wasn't that Bilbo didn't want his son to be happy. Far from it, in fact – like any parent, Bilbo often found himself fantasizing about Kili's bright future. At 33, the world was Kili's oyster, and Bilbo was certain the boy would find a job eventually: hopefully a well-paying one that would also leave him content. Just as soon as the time was right. Yes, Kili would soon find a job, and then a loving partner to share all his hopes and fears; then children, perhaps, or even a dog, and most of all a house that Bilbo himself did not live in.

Someday.

But the shit-eating grin on his son's face was not the smile of enlightenment, and Bilbo knew that Kili had not miraculously found his calling overnight. No, whatever it was that had Kili looking so happy, it couldn't be anything good. Bilbo nervously took a sip of his tea to calm the sudden queasy feeling in his stomach. He just had to hope there wasn't about to be a repeat of the gelatin incident.

He still had nightmares about that.

“I _knew_ I should have called the baby-sitter,” he whispered to himself. Then he remembered that Bofur was who he normally called to keep an eye on Kili, and Bilbo felt his cheeks heat. He had it on _very_ good authority (namely, his own) that Bofur had been somewhat preoccupied the night before.

Almost as if he suspected the boy could read his thoughts, Bilbo stole a glance over at Kili, who was sprawled out over the plaid couch. There was a strange shine in his eyes, and every so often he would raise a hand to touch his lips and then sigh deeply. Bilbo felt his eyes narrow at the sight. The whole thing was awfully peculiar. Suspicious, even.

He resolved to check every last inch of the house for any signs of mischief – just as soon as he finished his tea.

“Do you ever wonder if you're secretly royalty?” Kili asked suddenly in a dreamy voice, effectively cutting off his father's line of thought.

Bilbo sighed heavily. “For the last time, Kili, winning a round of Pretty Pretty Princess doesn't actually _mean_ anything.”

Kili hummed gleefully but said nothing, and Bilbo clutched the teacup in his hand a little tighter. Kili had never taken that news quite so well before.

Nevertheless, Bilbo held his breath, and waited for his son's reaction. He wasn't left waiting long.

Kili finally turned to face Bilbo, and cocked his head to one side. “Are you _sure_ you don't know anything about my birth family?”

 _Ah._ Was _that_ what this was about? It was certainly a fair question, but Bilbo couldn't help but wonder at the timing of it. In 33 years, Kili had never so much as asked for his birth mother's name.

As calmly as he could manage, Bilbo set his teacup down. “I would never lie to you,” he began, “I hope you know that--”

Kili's expression instantly morphed into one of regret. “Of _course_ I know that, I'm sorry! It was a stupid question--”

“No such thing as a stupid question,” Bilbo said primly. “And it's natural that you would be curious. But I'm afraid I've already told you everything I know, which unfortunately isn't very much. You were entrusted to my care by a man named Gandalf, and to this day I'm still not entirely sure where he found you.”

“That seems shady,” Kili said with a heavy frown.

“Indeed,” Bilbo agreed. “In fact, a part of me is still waiting for the police to start investigating the entire thing--”

He was cut off by a knock at the door.

Bilbo stared at his son. “This is a coincidence, I'm sure.”

Kili nodded his head enthusiastically. “Most likely. The last time I thought I was getting arrested, I was pleasantly surprised by the result.”

“Were you,” Bilbo muttered, before deciding he was probably better off not knowing. With that thought in mind, he stood up to answer the door.

He was in no way prepared for who he saw on the other side.

His visitor was a short, handsome man with piercing blue eyes, a regal nose, and an impressively thick brown beard. That in itself wasn't so strange, but the fact he was wearing an elaborate royal blue dress and a silver tiara most certainly _was_. Bilbo wasn't one to judge, but dresses that elegant simply weren't seen very often in the Shire.

“C-can I help you?” Bilbo asked, and cursed how unsteady his voice sounded.

“Is it Fíli?” Kili called from the other room, and before Bilbo could answer he heard his son running to the door. “Has he come back already?”

Their guest's face broke out into a wide smile as soon as Kili came into view. _“Shamukh, dashatê,”_ he said in a pleasantly deep voice, and walked inside the house with his arms outstretched.

Kili frowned. “You're not Fíli.” He looked over to Bilbo. “What's going on?”

Bilbo could only shrug. “Beats me, but he seems awfully happy to see you.”

“Of course I'm happy to see _my son,”_ their visitor growled, before turning sorrowful eyes toward Kili. “Do you really not recognize your own mother? I know it's been a long time since we last met, but I've sent holograms to you...”

“Let me guess,” Kili cut in, “they're in my space pod.”

The bearded man smiled. “Yes, that's it exactly. Oh, where are my manners?” At that he dropped into a deep curtsy. “I am Dís, daughter of Thráin, Princess of Erebor. At your service.”

Bilbo blinked. Well, that certainly explained the ornate dress. “Uh, nice to meet you... Dís, was it? You're, er, Kili's mother, you say?”

Dís frowned, and Bilbo couldn't help but find it intimidating. _“Princess_ Dís to you, I should think,” she growled. “And if I say I'm Kíli's mother, that's who I am!”

“Well, of course!” Bilbo exclaimed around a nervous laugh. “Right, well, why don't you come in – I'll make us some tea, tea is always good--”

“Dad,” Kili hissed, clutching at his sleeve.

“--and we can all get to know one another!”

Dís shook her head gravely. “There is no time for tea. Kíli, you must come with me, there's not a moment to lose.”

But Kili took a step behind Bilbo, which the older man couldn't help but find slightly endearing and aggravating all at once. “Why should I?” the brunet asked, cowering behind Bilbo's shoulder like a frightened duckling. “I've only just met you!”

“Ah,” the strange woman sighed. “I had wondered why Fíli did not retrieve you as we had instructed.” She narrowed her eyes. “Is this why he failed in his task? Because you were unwilling?”

 _“Unwilling?!”_ Kili squawked, now sounding rather offended instead of scared, and his grip on Bilbo's shoulder tightened. “I'll have you know,” he said vehemently, “that I was _perfectly_ willing, _thank_ you very much, and if I'd gotten my way, we would have made it a _lot_ farther than second base!”

Bilbo choked on the very air he was attempting to breathe, while Dís's expression was blank. “Second base?” she repeated. “Oh, Mahal, this is worse than I thought. My dear,” she continued, reaching out to stroke Kili's cheek, “you _must_ come with me. I don't have time to explain, but Fíli is in terrible danger.”

Kili yelped and practically pushed Bilbo aside to approach Dís, all fear of her apparently forgotten. “Danger! What do you mean?”

“Your brother has been captured by evil space elves,” Dis whispered, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

Kili gasped in horror. “Oh god, that's awful--”

“This has _got_ to be a joke,” Bilbo muttered, but no one seemed to pay him any mind. “Space elves? Really?”

“Anyway, there's no time to spare!” Dís exclaimed. “It is up to you and me to rescue him.”

Kili gave her a curt nod, and Bilbo's breath caught in his throat; he had never seen his son look so determined. “Of course,” Kili said solemnly. “I'd do anything to save Fíli.”

“Now hold on a second,” Bilbo gasped, “who in the world is Fíli, and--”

“No time to explain!” Dís and Kili exclaimed, nearly in unison, and before Bilbo could say a word in protest, they were both out the door.

It only took Bilbo a moment to collect his wits and follow his son, but unfortunately it was a moment too long. Kili and Dís were both several inches shorter than he was, but it turned out they could be awfully fast when in a hurry. Bilbo had only made it down the porch steps when a strong gust of wind nearly blew him over. He looked up into the sky, and was astonished to see a large black triangle hovering above him, its lights blinking in a menacing red hue.

“What in god's name...!” he gasped, and his stomach lurched in terror. His son couldn't possibly be on that thing. “KILI!” he screamed, so loudly that his voice cracked.

As if in response, the triangular craft shot off into the sky at an impossible speed, leaving absolutely no trace. Something in Bilbo's chest shattered at the very thought, that his son could be lost to him forever.

He couldn't stand by and do nothing. But what, exactly, _could_ he do?

He shot off down the road toward Bofur's house. He wasn't entirely sure what it would achieve, but if there was ever a time he was in need of his boyfriend's comforting presence, it was certainly now.

To his shame, he burst into tears as soon as the shorter man answered the door.

“Bilbo! What's the matter?” Bofur cried, and immediately wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. “I only saw you a few hours ago, what could have happened?”

“It's Kili,” Bilbo sobbed. “He's been... Oh, god, I think he's been abducted by aliens!”

Inexplicably, Bofur began to laugh. “Oh, is that all?” he drawled. “Well, it certainly took them long enough!”

Bilbo immediately broke out of Bofur's hold. “What are you _talking_ about, this isn't a joke--”

The light in Bofur's eyes dimmed a little at that, and suddenly his smile was stiff. He pulled Bilbo back into his embrace. “I know, darling,” he murmured softly. “Oh, I know.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, what does Bofur know?? D:
> 
> Anyway, that's it for now! The Khuzdul in this chapter (hopefully) translates to "greetings, my son."
> 
> And I'm sorry about the surprise Boffins, haha, but I love them :3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Escape plans and reunions... and why Kili should _never_ be put in charge of a rescue operation ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I'm sorry for the wait! July was a pretty busy month for me (=moving), but hopefully I'll get these chapters out a little faster from now on!
> 
> But first, I want to thank Anathema-Cat for taking a look at this chapter for me! I've made a few changes since, though, so all mistakes (and bizarre narrative choices) are mine and mine alone :)
> 
> ALSO: this chapter is **explicit.** But before you get too excited, juuuust remember that this started off as a crack fic, which I've apparently decided means make everyone weird if not funny. *shrug* Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter~!

 

 

Everything was covered in gold.

That was Kili's first observation upon entering the spaceship. In fact, it looked nothing like an alien vessel at all; he'd had visions of test tubes and stark corridors, futuristic machinery and operating tables, and – OK, so maybe his imagination had just settled on some bizarre combination of horror show and hospital – but the fact remained that Dís's spaceship looked more like it belonged at a Renn Faire than a sci fi convention. There were thick tapestries on the walls, lush carpets, and one very plush chair, which sat in front of a gold and sapphire encrusted control panel. It was this that Dís gestured Kili over toward.

“I need you to command your Earth slaves to meet us at the following coordinates,” she explained briskly. “If we launch a surprise attack against the Silvans, we should be able to rescue Fíli amidst the chaos.”

Kili frowned deeply. “But I haven't got any Earth slaves...”

Dís burst into laughter. “Oh, of _course_ you don't, silly me. Slip of the tongue! Thorin outlawed that sort of thing _ages_ ago.” She then gave her son a considering look. “But you _do_ have all the armies of Earth under your command by now, surely?”

Kili gulped; he was starting to feel like he was in a bit over his head. “I think people on Earth have learned not to expect too much from me,” he admitted with a slight grimace. “I'm really good at clogging toilets, but that's about it.”

(This was a lie, of course; Kili had also grown rather adept at driving Bilbo's old minivan, which he had stolen no less than eight times, despite being too small to see over the steering wheel. He could also bake a mean apple crumble -- more delicious, in fact, than any other in all the Shire -- but no one had ever told him that, lest Bilbo find out he had been out-baked by his own son.)

Dís looked at Kili with an unreadable expression. “How many armies do you currently command, then?”

“To be completely truthful,” Kili said in a strained voice, “exactly none.”

Dís sighed heavily and flopped down onto her velvet-covered command chair. “Well, shit. That certainly throws a wrench into my rescue plans.”

"I'm really sorry--"

“Oh, think nothing of it, “ Dís cut in with a wave of her hand, “I'm used to the men in my life disappointing me. We shall just have to improvise!” There was a familiar gleam in Dís's eyes at that, and her mouth quirked upwards. “Which will make this all the more fun, really.”

"So you're not mad?"

“How could I be mad at my precious little boy?” Dís cooed, and gestured to a pile of throw pillows near her command chair. “Here, have a seat. We have a long journey ahead of us, and I haven't seen you in over thirty years! I want to hear about _everything_ you've been up to.”

Kili gingerly sat down on one of the plush pillows, and for the first time he gave the woman who was quite possibly his mother a careful look. Her intricately braided beard and stormy eyes made her seem intimidating at first, but she was really rather pretty when she smiled; it softened her features and made her look less stern.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, getting to know one another.

“Wanna hear about how Fíli and I made it to second base last night?”

Dís, who had no idea what getting to second base entailed (as that was a euphemism exclusive to planet Earth), laughed airily. “Why, that sounds positively delightful!”

Kili snickered, and then started to speak.

 

* * *

 

 

Fíli's primary objective, in everything he did, was this: to look impressive as hell.

And for his first few days in the elvish prison, he attempted to do just that. Every time the guards came by to drop off his meals, he puffed out his chest and adopted an air of “who even gives a fuck?” The elves sneered and rolled their eyes, and Inner Fíli cheered at the reaction they were getting.

But no one ever came to interrogate him, and if Fíli were completely honest with himself, that _really_ stung. Surely the Silvans wanted to know what he was doing there? Weren't they curious about his diabolical plans? Of course he had come there by mistake, but _they_ didn't know that. All they knew was that he was a _khuzd_ pilot, which made him the Silvans' worst enemy – so why weren't they taking him seriously as a threat?!

It was, to put it bluntly, the absolute worst.

On top of that, his escape options were exactly nil. All of his weapons – even the ones hidden in unmentionable places – had been confiscated upon his capture. And the guards had _definitely_ noticed the spoon he had tried to hide after eating his evening meal (though what Fíli intended on doing with it, he would never be sure).

“Fíli,” he whispered to himself, “what are we going to do?”

_We could take our shirt off._

“Always an excellent idea,” Fíli agreed. He loved taking off his shirt.

_Then, we piss all over it--_

“Wait,” Fíli cut himself off, “I'm stopping this train of thought now. No way.”

_But Nori said--!!_

“I know what he said,” Fíli grumbled. Nori's escape from elvish prison was a famous one; he claimed he had pissed all over his shirt and then twisted the wet fabric around the metal bars so tightly they had bent, allowing him to sneak away. When Fíli had asked, with no small amount of fascination, if the urine portion of the escape equation had been strictly necessary, Nori had responded that a dry shirt would have ripped under the strain. It had made perfect, disgusting sense to him as a child, but now Fíli couldn't help but wonder if the older dwarf had just been messing with him.

He stroked at his mustache braids for a moment, considering. “I'm not sure if that's guaranteed to work,” he said at last.

_It's worth a try?_

“But if it doesn't work,” Fíli persisted, “I'm going to smell like piss and – even worse – look completely ridiculous.”

_But think of Kili! Think of his talented hands! Isn't seeing Kili again worth all that?_

“Of course it is,” Fíli grumbled. Kili was worth quite a bit more than that, actually, but Fíli wasn't ready to admit it to himself just yet. _“Fine,_ I'll pee on my shirt – but _only_ as a last resort.” He lovingly caressed the soft silk covering his pectorals for a moment. “Only after I've exhausted every last option will I even _consider_ ruining my favorite shirt,” he whispered fiercely.

But he would do it to see Kili again. If he absolutely had to.

With that thought in mind, he settled down on his pallet and decided to get some sleep. If he was lucky, it would help him come up with some new ideas in the morning.

 

* * *

 

 

Fíli woke up several hours later with a start.

Sadly, it was no fit of inspiration that pulled him from his slumber, but a voice – a familiar one, in fact, that appeared to be calling his name. “Hello?” Fíli called out tentatively, half convinced he was still asleep. “Is someone looking for me?”

“Fíli, my love!” the distant voice cried. “I'm coming, just hold on!”

Fíli's breath caught in his throat. Apparently it wasn't his imagination, then. Confused, he stepped up to the bars of his cell and looked out anxiously. “Kili? Is that you?”

He heard the sound of pounding feet, and soon after Kili appeared before him, breathing heavily. “Finally found you!” he gasped, smiling widely. He paused and stared rapturously at Fíli for a moment. “Um, hi again. Long time no see.”

“What are you doing here?” Fíli hissed. There was no way this should have been possible; Kili was supposed to be on Earth, where it was _safe,_ and not... not _here,_ looking at him like he was the seventh coming of Durin himself. He clenched his fist around one of the metal bars as an unsettling thought occurred to him. “Were you captured too?”

Kili laughed. “Of course not!” he cried with his chest puffed out. _“I'm_ the hero now – your knight in shining armor! I'm here to break you out!”

“Is that right,” Fíli drawled, ego slightly stung. “Well, tell me, oh great Sir Knight, how do you propose to get me out of here? I've been trying to come up with something for days now and no luck.”

“Oh, it's very simple,” Kili said with a cocky grin, “just let me...” He patted his pockets and froze. “Ohhhh, _shit.”_

"Something the matter?"

“Well, I was supposed to have grabbed the keys to your cell first,” Kili admitted, rubbing his chin. “I couldn't have forgotten about that, could I?”

(In truth, Kili _had_ forgotten all about the keys. The very second he had disembarked Dis's ship, he had run off for the dungeons yelling Fíli's name, completely disregarding the plan that he and Dis had agreed upon.)

“Oh well,” Kili said with a shrug. “Time to rethink our plan of action.” He got down on his knees and started to unzip Fíli's trousers.

Fíli raised an eyebrow. “Unless you're planning to pick the lock with my zipper, I fail to see how this is going to help.”

“It's not,” Kili said, “but we're basically fucked now, and I figure if we're going down, then I might as well go down--”

“Oh, don't even _finish_ that sentence--”

“--on you, too,” Kili mumbled lamely. He looked up at Fíli then, slightly abashed. “Do you not want me to?”

Fíli stared at Kili, his mind at war with itself. Inner Fíli was insisting this was a terrible idea, but the more dominant force in his decision making (and that is to say, his penis) thought Kili's plan sounded like a good one. “No, it's cool,” Fíli eventually said, his cheeks flushed. “Now that I think about it, this seems like a reasonable thing to do.”

“Knew you'd see things my way,” Kili murmured, and lowered his head.

What followed were the greatest thirty seconds of Fíli's young life. Though the sound he made as Kili's mouth enveloped him was fairly undignified, for once he couldn't bring himself to care. “Don't stop,” he moaned, hands clenched around the bars of his cell as Kili began sucking the head of his cock. “That feels amazing, don't stop, _don't stop--”_

Kili broke away with a laugh. “I wasn't going to!” he said, then kissed the shaft of his brother's cock in apology for the interruption. Fíli trembled; that small gesture alone somehow seemed more intimate than any of the things they had done before. “I really like this, you know,” Kili continued, licking a long, possessive stripe along the length of Fíli's cock before pressing another kiss to the tip. Then he looked up, locked eyes with Fíli, and winked. “And I can't _wait_ to have all of it inside of me.”

“Gah,” Fíli said articulately, and came all over Kili's face.

They were both silent for a moment, Fíli breathing erratically in the wake of his orgasm, and Kili unusually still. Then:

“My eye!” Kili screamed, wiping frantically at his face. “Oh, _God,_ it's in my _eye!”_

That killed Fíli's afterglow fairly effectively. “Why did you have to go and say all that stuff?” he gasped, completely horrified with himself. He reached forward, not sure what he could do to help. “I'm so sorry!”

“It's fine,” Kili grumbled, wiping away the mess on the underside of his shirt. His left eye was slightly red but otherwise he seemed all right. “Just, next time you want to cum on my face, maybe warn me?”

Fíli blinked. “You'd... you'd let me cum on your face again?”

“Yeah, of course!” Kili rose to his feet again and smiled. “In case you haven't noticed, I'm OK with just about anything.”

Fíli reached out to grab his brother's hand and got down on one knee. “I swear to you," he said solemnly, "the next time I'm trapped in a dungeon with no hope of escape, I _will_ pee on my shirt for you.”

“Is that some kind of weird alien sex ritual?” Kili whispered, eyes sparkling.

"It certainly can be."

For a few moments, all was well again, and Fíli and Kili stared at each other with wide grins, basking in the warmth of their young love. Then someone coughed, reminding them that they weren't alone and never had been.

Fíli tore his gaze from Kili to investigate the noise, and immediately felt all the blood drain from his face. A familiar dark-haired figure was staring back at him. “Amad?” he squeaked.

Dís smiled and waved the keyring in her hand, almost like a taunt. “Hello, Fíli.”

A million thoughts flew across Fíli's mind all at once. It was strange enough that Kili had come to rescue him, but his mother too? Did that mean they had come together? But when had they met? And, why would Kili offer to blow him, knowing their mother could walk in on them at any time, and – _oh sweet merciful Mahal, just how much had she seen?_

“Enough to know that you really need to work on your stamina,” Dís muttered, and Fíli groaned; his mother was either a mind reader (which would not surprise him in the least), or he had just said everything he'd been thinking out loud. “But that's your brother's concern, not mine.”

“We're not brothers, though,” Fíli and Kili said simultaneously.

“Boys, you're not even deluding yourselves. Anyway, we've spent far too long here as it is, and all of a sudden I'm eager to pick up a bottle of brain bleach at the nearest Star-Mart. Let's go.”

An awkward silence hung in the air at that, and Dís reached forward to unlock the door to Fíli's cell. It opened with a loud screech, and, simple as that, Fíli was free. He thought he should probably feel happier, but his cheeks still burned with shame.

“Are you ready?” Kili asked tentatively, as if he could sense Fíli's strange mood.

Not wanting Kili to worry, Fíli forced a smile to his face. “Yeah, of course! Let's just get out of here.”

The three of them began to make their way through the dungeons at once, ignoring the jeers of the other prisoners (which was easy enough, considering they were mostly in languages that Fíli had never heard before). The lighting was dim, which seemed odd to Fíli, but apparently the Silvans prioritized atmosphere over visibility. He wasn't going to complain, in any case – not when he felt it might work to his advantage. But the longer he walked, the weirder the whole place seemed.

“Doesn't this seem a little too easy?” he murmured. “Where are all of the guards?”

Dís stopped abruptly. “Why would you _say_ that? You'll jinx us!” she snapped, just as a red-haired Silvan turned the corner and stopped directly in front of them.

“What's going on here?” the elf shouted.

Kili immediately pushed his brother behind him. _“Run!”_

Fíli didn't need to be told twice. He shot off down the corridor, quickly checking to make sure his mother was following them. Unfortunately he could also see that someone else was, too – several someones, in fact – and bit back the urge to swear. He had no idea how they were going to make it out, especially now that they had the entire kingdom on alert, but he had to hope they would manage it somehow.

“Take my hand!” Kili called, reaching out. Fíli smiled as best as he could, and lunged over to grab it. Though it shouldn't have made a difference, that small connection to Kili somehow made him move faster, gave him the drive to push harder.

They could do this, he realized at once, and his heart felt lighter than it had in days. They were going to make it out, and once they did, he was never letting go of Kili again.

 

* * *

 

 

Thirty minutes later found Fíli back in his cell, alone.

“This sucks!” Kili shouted from somewhere down the corridor, his voice distant and echoing slightly throughout the cavernous dungeons. There was another frustrated scream and the sound of a bucket being kicked over, and then: “How are you supposed to probe me _now?!”_

The phrase “probe me now!” seemed to reverberate throughout his cell, and Fíli groaned. “Stop saying stuff like that!” he yelled back, the image of Dís taunting him with her keys still fresh in his mind. “My _mother_ can hear everything you say--”

“So what? It's no worse than what she saw us doing earlier--”

“I didn't know she was there!”

“What difference does _that_ make?!”

“Boys!” Dís barked, her voice sounding much closer to Fíli's cell than Kili's had. “If you're both so convinced you aren't siblings, then stop fighting like a pair of them!”

Fíli frowned sullenly, though he knew no one could see it. “Yes, ma'am.”

“Sorry, Dís.”

“That's better. I need you to be quiet so I can concentrate.”

“Plotting another escape attempt, are we?” a new voice broke in.

Alarmed, Fíli poked his head through the bars to his cell. He could just make out a tall blond figure wearing resplendent robes, standing in front of a cell very close to Fíli's.

Dís's voice was distinctly displeased when she uttered a name that left Fíli feeling cold all over.

“Thranduil,” she spat. “What are _you_ doing here?”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *coughs* Well, there you go. Did anyone catch the obscure(?) movie reference or your first clue to the gelatin incident?
> 
> Anyway, I'd love to hear what you think -- and you can always talk to me [on tumblr](http://khafushun.tumblr.com/) too if that's more your style! :D


End file.
